So today I was thinking about fat while I was making eggs and wondering...why can't I just sit out in the 112 degree weather here in FL and melt my fat off...like the butter melting in the pan? I am tanorexic so that would really make like convenient for me. If anyone up there is reading...can you put in a request with the big guy? Thanks!
The goal today was to give you guys my current weeks weight but when I walked up to Jenny's house at 1:35 I realized they closed at 1:00. Sorry but you will have to hold tight until tomorrow's update to know if I have had more success.
Yesterday I tried to really think how far back I could recall my food obsession going. I want to really know how deep I will have to go to repair the damage and as much as I see progress I understand that I have to keep digging in order to make that change permanent. One of things that I recall is my dad always stealing my french fries...now while I understand that children can be pretty protective of those greasy potato sticks I was extreme. I would smack his hands...and cry and carry on. Granted he had the manners of someone the age I was at the time and never ever asked first but that one french fry should not have been that sacred to me. It was like I had a plate full of little potato fairy wands and he had just stolen one of my free wishes. I guess he needed a few free wishes to fill his own over sized belly. As I got older he would no longer steal my food as much as he would my thunder or my self-esteem but torturing me about the food I ate until eventually I just rebelled or binged in private. NOT HEALTHY Physically or mentally. I look at my paternal family and can count right away six people who struggle with weight...half of those are probably considered morbidly obese. I always hear people talk of genetic predisposition to fat but I wonder how much of that is just predisposition to addiction...or anxiety or an unhealthy example and cycle of emotional eating. People always want to make excuses. Even I, who do have issues with my thyroid would try to blame all my fat on that....well I am hear to tell you that if you have used that excuse for obesity you need to stop now, pull your head from your ass, take one big look in the mirror and repeat after me...." I am my own worst enemy and I will no longer make excuses". A thyroid condition can definitely make you hold extra weight....weight can most definitely have a hormonal factor and as you read last week I am looking into that for myself but it doesn't hold enough to make you 100lbs overweight. It makes weight loss more difficult but it's not sitting there making you eat a greasy burger...that is your brain. I read a study on CNN.com the other day about the bodies biological response to food. It was amazing and for someone who is thin...emotional eating can probably help them relax on occasion but for someone who is obese it can kill you. That is not me embellishing...it really can take over your life and slowly but surely will put you in your grave. I don't know about you but I am claustrophobic and six feet under is something I would like to delay as long as possible. Even when family came over I would keep leftovers at my house instead of sending as much home with other people. I was not doing it to be selfish but I saw food and I wanted to horde it...like I was going to hibernate for the season. I would call myself a Mama Grizzly if I didn't dread having any more than my name and birthday in common with Sarah Palin.
I never realized until recently that this really had so much to do with being told not to eat...that I almost became possessive of food....leading me again to understand that it was just one more way for me to be in control of a situation. I am a total CONTROL FREAK. I have had so little control over my weight and my anxiety in the past that I held tight to anything I could control...even to the point of becoming resentful. Perhaps that just reminded me of my father who really was a good person tortured by his own demons. I just wish he would have known better than to project them onto me. I realize now that you can't control anyone but yourself. More importantly when you try to control others and situations you leave nothing for yourself...you lose yourself. I have been searching for myself so many many years and if anyone has been looking for me as well...I have been lost in a giant eclair...but don't fret..I am back!
If anyone is interested in reading the article on Emotional Eating please visit CNN.com and search " Study offers clues to Emotional Eating"
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