This Is The Face Of Fat!!

For the past week I have written nothing down. I skipped the Swagmaster and I could not make it to therapy because of a migraine. I can tell you that before this blog... on a week such as this I would have gained 3-4 lbs. Seriously...the picture above is one pound of fat. It's gross but when you think about losing even 2.5 of those you realize you have accomplished something and you really don't want to mess that up.

I also decided this past week that talking openly about my relationship with food has somehow made me less hungry...or was I ever? I have decided to take the advice of my therapist and when I do have a setback write down how I was feeling at the time....you know besides hungry. My guess is that I will find that I was bored, or lonely, or sad....all emotions that have better fixes than food.

Let's start with boredom. I could go for a walk...I do have two dogs who I am sure prefer to use the facilities outside rather than in my living room.. I could read...I have now received three book recommendations and am only half way through the Help on my ipad. I could play a board game with my son...heck that even has "bored" in the name. I could freaking jump around on one leg while chewing gum and playing a trumpet...point is that I don't eat.

On to the next...Lonliness. I am the first to admit that I am famous for having pity parties. I guess I think somehow because I am so awesome love should just come to me...apparently the Universe has other thoughts on the subject and at 33 I am single..very very single....and fat. Single and thin is different than single and fat. I know because I have been both. Single and thin is fun. You go out with no money....you come home full of drinks and with a few new numbers and most importantly great memories. When you are single and fat you leave with money...come home with none. ...at least that is what I used to think. I proved to myself last weekend that this is not the case. You see part of healing and losing is accepting where you are right now. I tend to change 19 times before leaving the house. I can't pack lightly because I never like how I look in clothes. The truth is that the second time you put that original outfit on...it will still look the same because you are who you are on the outside. I have been trying to stand in front of the mirror this week and remind myself that it's ok that I look like this because next week and the week after...I will look just a little different. It's a very long process and feeding into the emotional part of it...the denial makes it take longer. I can promise you that. I went to Baltimore a few weeks ago and my goal was to pack in one small bag. I limited myself to liking myself in whatever I had. Now I did by no means look like I wanted to and when I saw a guy that I once found myself mildly obsessed with I felt like I wanted to hide behind anything just so he wouldn't see that I look like I swallowed a hulla hoop. Chances are he noticed. It kind of is what it is. What I needed to focus and forced myself to focus on is that this person is my friend and realizes that I am awesome...really awesome. I am funny and smart and my smile can light up a room...those are the things that make you who you are....not what you look like and when you focus on those....you feel less inclined to eat. At least I do. I have had so many emotional obstacles this week. I can tell you all that this in many ways was one of the lowest points in my life and the worst I did was steal the Skinny Bitches Cake from the counter. You see I once again found myself surrounded by a bunch of 8th grade girls wearing toothfloss for shorts. They decided to make a cake...I decided to steal a piece. It happens and because I have been making good choices every day that cake means nothing....

Overeaters anonymous uses as do many other addiction programs the Serenity Prayer. Religious, Spiritual....whatever you are...these are words to live by. They make sense.

(Insert your own idol), Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the widsom to know the difference.

I suggest making a list..." Things I can't change" Below is mine..

Love can't be forced

My son is autistic

Florida is hot...really really hot

My father is dead...he will not come back and apologize

Things I can change....

My body fat percentage is 45.7% ...BARF

My right breast is soooo much smaller than the left!! lol

My son deserves to get any reasonable accomodation afforded him

My house being messy

The food I eat

Being a PHATTYCAKES!

My circumference measurments as promised are below in inches as of 7/20

Neck 15 inches

Chest 42.5 inches

Shoulders 42 inches

Waist 45 inches...

Hips 52 inches..

Biceps 12 inches

Thighs 24.5 inches

Calfs 16 inches

I will be measuring these monthly and updating you on how many inches have been lost. In so many ways this is more important than what you see on the scale but for me what I see on the scale is very unhealthy so I want to see both move :)

See you all tomorrow!