When your mind meets the mirror

If I passed any of my friends today and did not waive it is not because I am a bitch...it is because I as of about 3PM today cannot lift my arms above my head. This new statuesque nature is courtesy of The Swagmaster. People ...there are muscles burning in my back and shoulders I was not even aware of had. Luckily my fingers still work...NO not so I can give him the bird for making me look like the bride of Frankenstein as I walk the isles of the grocery store but to share again with you all how this Fattycakes will transform from Fat to Phat.
Aside from the lack of movement in my arms today was a very good day. First of all I am happy to report that I have lost 2.4 lbs since last week bringing me down to 216.4 officially. Go ahead get up and dance for me....no please do since I can't myself. If you have been following my food journal you know that I ate yummy foods and even had a few cheats in there but I still saw a loss because I made the best choices in each situation. I cut out part of the meal and that is huge. A friend today challenged that I choose this particular plan because it contains foods that I am comfortable with and not " diet foods" but I respectfully disagree. The thing is that I am not on a diet. I am on a journey to changing the way I look at food and the relationship that I have with it. This is a life change...NOT A DIET! Learning to make good choices for snacks and set appropriate portions is something to take me all the way to the bank...the fat bank that is. I plan to deposit for starters 20 lbs in that bank by the end of September. If I could do it before September 10th it would be even better as I am a bridesmaid in my dear friends wedding. Now I by no means want to outshine her but when we were discussing dresses I really imagined she and her sister who are both very thin and gorgeous just tying a string to me and floating me over the house as a marker for incoming guests. Just call me "Zeppelin". As if being a size 14/16 wasn't bad enough I had to order my bridesmaids dress in a size 20...and then to add insult to injury the woman called me three days later to tell me that that large of a size cost an additional $30. It's like a fat tax or something but again these people are getting rich off my big ass. My Fairy Godmother shared something with me today that was said to her when she was still heavy...someone told her that " It's not like people can't look at you and see that you weigh 215lbs". It's SO TRUE. When I began this blog last week none of the response was anyone saying...OMG I HAD NO IDEA...or stop it you are NOT heavy. That is because people saw me for what I AM....it was I who did not. You see when you are heavy there is often a wall of denial up. We talked a lot about denial today and about responsibility. I never looked in the mirror and really saw a Fattycakes until the day I posted my first blog here. I saw a girl who " had a few extra pounds". I definitely see the truth...because I refused to. The thing is....there will always even when I am thin and have conquered this demon be a fat girl inside trying to get out. As with any addiction you are forever an addict and I own that now but I finally can say that I am on my way to cut my addiction off at the legs...that is if a meatloaf sandwich and mashed potatoes had legs. It does not control me ...define me...and it will not kill me!!


I will leave you tonight with one of my favorite passages...one with an ending so fitting this journey...

Out of the Night that Covers me,

Black as the Pit from Pole to Pole,

I thank whatever gods may be,

for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud,

under the bludgeoning of chance,

my head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears,

looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,

how charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

Sunday's Food

Breakfast:

Half slice french toast
w/sugar free syrup

Arizona Iced Tea Half and Half Lite

Water

Diet coke

Snack:

6 Tortilla Chips with Salsa

Lunch:

JC Personal Pizza

Yogurt

Snack:

Fruit and Yogurt Parfait

Dinner:

1 4oz piece of boneless skinless jerk chicken Breast

Raosted Vegetables

Monday Workout:

22 minutes on the treadmill incline alternating between 2.5 and 6.0

18 minutes on the stationary bike level 10 Intervals for Fat Burning

30 minutes with the Swagmaster- see specific excercises below

Swag set a circuit up for me today consisting of 4 excercises that I had to complete immediately following the previous one...12 reps 3 sets

1.) Incline Pushup

2.) Dumbell punch ( boxing in the air with two 5 lb dumbells)

3.) front and lat raise ( OUCH) 5lbs each

4.) bent over row 35lbs

After this circuit was complete we finished up with abs

50lbs, 12 reps, 3 sets