Thank you to the Rocket Scientist!

I recently went on a trip to Key West that was meant to be the unveiling of the skinny bitch that lives inside me. Unfortunately she is still in there probably suffocating on the Key Lime Pie and BO's Fried Grouper sandwiches I fed her while I was there. I was hoping they would choke her but she is still there hammering to get out of her prison !  Regardless I was happy with my sandwich...until today when I sat in my class and read a text that made me realize something that I realize still now while I cry to my computer..No matter how smart you are, or kind, or witty or pretty or did I mention kind?...people will still see you first as FAT. It's sad really. Even the people who love you see this. The world is run by skinny people. Skinny people that at this moment I would like to eat so they can not remind me how weak I am. Skinny people who can wear more of the shit in my closet than I can because they look more like the person who used to wear those clothes than I do ...and skinny people who I am just plain fucking jealous of!!
I don't ask to be this way. Aside from the occasional guilty pleasure I have been good. I also thanks to my new friend have a gym buddy that keeps me at the gym most days. She is spectacular and I love her to pieces!  It's not like I don't try to be healthy, yet still I'm fat. For the person who pointed that out you are correct! Pat yourself on the back because you my friend are clearly are a rocket scientist for discovering that I'm fat. Without your honesty I don't think I would have known that. While that may not be true,I may have sat for a few more weeks not stepping up my game. So with that said I'd like to send a huge thank you to the "rocket scientist" for reminding me of my goals. I realize that all may sound like sarcasm to a well trained ear but it's not. I really do now want the body above more than I ever have. I imagine that will be painful but screw it...so was labor and I did that without any painkillers at all.
I know I sound like I am really excited about this...I'm really not. I hate exercise. I do feel less like a psychopath when I work out...less deranged and all but I don't enjoy it at all. I'd be far more excited about a root canal or bikini waxes than this. Feel free to download and follow me on MyFitnessPal under tova1996. I'm generally very forthcoming about my snacking ...right down to the half a bag of Pretzel M&M's I ate yesterday. Turns out chocolate does not actually cure the blues!!!
My point today is this...you are smart and funny and maybe even pretty...and you're also fat! Stop being fat and start being pretty and smart and funny and give the finger to all the rocket scientists out there...half of which probably used to be fat too!!!!

The 3, 4, 5 Plan

Life for me is and probably will always be a rollercoaster. I am like I said, honest to a fault. This fault until recently never transcended to myself. While I do love rollercoasters, as I have mentioned before , the weight coaster is one I want to get off of, but to do so I realize I have to ride several other coasters and get off of those before I can land safe and sound on my skinny feet. I really thought the drama coaster would be the hardest to get off of for me. I am definitely a drama queen. I really think my parents had the right idea by putting me in acting classes as a child....unfortunately they didn't combine that great idea with the joys of fat camp and Kirstie Alley beat me to the punch on being a "Fat Actress". Surprisingly over the past couple of months this coaster slowed...not to a full stop but enough for me to jump ship. It's like my Fairy Godmother week by week sprinkled some magic fairy dust on me until I just realized that so much of the Angst I had felt about my life...about my fathers passing and about my relationship with both of my parents had turned to peace. PLease don't misunderstand. I am still sad about things but my anger and my projection of that into my life is barely visible anymore. I will always be a little dramatic but drama takes up time...and if you want to lose weight you can't waist time focusing on petty shit. Get off the Drama Coaster and move on over to the Hobby Coaster.
I always thought that it was all about diet and excercise but then it occured to me that when you are a stress eater you might want to have a plan. My Jenny Craig consultant likes to say.."Nobody Plans to Fail but you will fail without a plan". She obviously means this to correlate to my meal plan which I do highly recommend writing out. It takes the thinking out of things. In my case I needed a plan for my hands. You know those things at the end up your arms responsible for shoveling fat into your mouth. Find something to keeo them busy. Heck...use them to write comments on this blog or to recommend it to friends. Personally I crochet yarlmulkas and blankets for all my friends having babies. It makes me feel better about the fact that even when 8 months pregnant they are still thinner than me and it makes them know how much they are loved. Trust me....more satisfaction comes from that then eating a brownie.
The most difficult coaster for me is the motivation Coaster. I want to be thin but I have a really hard time staying motivated to excercise. One does not go without the other. A few weeks ago I tried crossfit. If you do this regularly, you are a super hero..probably a skinny one at that. I managed to get through the class only vomiting once and then spent the next 4.5 days trying to convince myself that one day I would be able to sit down on the toilette again without screaming out in pain as my legs buckle beneath me. Eventually I made it back to the gym for a spin class...and that has been it. Needless to say I am still riding this coaster....over and over. The goal this week will be to hit the gym 3 times....3 times for 3 weeks and then at week 4 I am going to move to 4 times for 4 weeks...and so on. I think you get the picture. I have a lot of excuses in my life right now. I am a single mom, I am in school full time....I have my hair to wash....anything can become and excuse. I'll be in touch on the progress of my goal....in the meantime...keep the faith.

Return of The Phat Girl

Peekaboo!!! I bet you all thought I had fallen off the wagon and forgotten about you or about the fact that I am fat. You would be wrong. I have thought about it a lot...but I have been distracted by summer vacation coming to a close and the last minute fun with friends and family. This really has been an incredible summer for me....I have not only seen so many wonderful friends but I have really become comfortable with who I am and what this entire journey is to me and for me. I have dropped 4.2 lbs since the first weigh in so total that is 6.6 lbs and my next appointment is next week Wednesday. The one thing that is different is that I have moved from only the prepared Jenny meals to eating those only for lunch. I figured it was time to involve my love for the kitchen to make my love of food healthier.

I find myself always asking people for fun recipes or having friends recommend things to me...some good and some ..well let's just just " less good".

Several weeks ago I get a text from one friend telling me about miracle noodles..which I know Hungry Girl does also recommend so I thought this has got to be amazing. It was described to me to taste just like ramen noodles with zero calories....FYI...that would only be if fish crawled into your ramen noodles and DIED. To each their own but I would rather just not have noodles at all. There are plenty of wonderful snacks ....like the animal crackers we found at Trader Joe's on vacation...shaped like letters so not only can you work on your vocabulary but you can eat about 15 of them and not blink and eye :) This is important for me because my bridesmaids dress arrived and it DOESN'T fit. As the bride described it..." it looks really flattering except that you look like you have a third boob". Umm thanks....I'll describe it further...that third boob looks saggy!! If your dress comes and doesn't fit is your fat tax refundable? I mean seriously that is like adding insult to injury. That will $30 extra dollars and a little shame please...I bet they said it with a smile though! In my defense they sent a smaller size than I ordered so matters could be worse. When I am thin AND beautiful I will look back on this and laugh but I can assure you when it was happening it was far less amusing than it sounds. Guess the joke was on me!

So here is an idea of how the conversions work on Jenny Craig for a 1200 Calorie diet...I am on the 1500 plan. I like plans to be bigger and longer. College for instance. I am on the 20 year plan and will be finishing early! On Jenny Craig the calories are a factor but the conversions are really what is important...and always remember your correct portion size and to limit the fat. The image at the beginning outlines a sample menu. Pay attention to the bottom chart that lists the food groups and daily limits. Personally I struggle with eating all of the food on here. I probably would be down even more if I followed more strictly but I am not perfect...as shocking as that sounds even to me. We all have it in us to be strong...find an area of your life that you are tough in...we all have them and then think about where that strength comes from and convert it over to your weight goals. Willpower may be a bitch but it's not an unattainable one ;) Happy Losing!!!

I Once Was Lost But Now Am Found

So today I was thinking about fat while I was making eggs and wondering...why can't I just sit out in the 112 degree weather here in FL and melt my fat off...like the butter melting in the pan? I am tanorexic so that would really make like convenient for me. If anyone up there is reading...can you put in a request with the big guy? Thanks!

The goal today was to give you guys my current weeks weight but when I walked up to Jenny's house at 1:35 I realized they closed at 1:00. Sorry but you will have to hold tight until tomorrow's update to know if I have had more success.

Yesterday I tried to really think how far back I could recall my food obsession going. I want to really know how deep I will have to go to repair the damage and as much as I see progress I understand that I have to keep digging in order to make that change permanent. One of things that I recall is my dad always stealing my french fries...now while I understand that children can be pretty protective of those greasy potato sticks I was extreme. I would smack his hands...and cry and carry on. Granted he had the manners of someone the age I was at the time and never ever asked first but that one french fry should not have been that sacred to me. It was like I had a plate full of little potato fairy wands and he had just stolen one of my free wishes. I guess he needed a few free wishes to fill his own over sized belly. As I got older he would no longer steal my food as much as he would my thunder or my self-esteem but torturing me about the food I ate until eventually I just rebelled or binged in private. NOT HEALTHY Physically or mentally. I look at my paternal family and can count right away six people who struggle with weight...half of those are probably considered morbidly obese. I always hear people talk of genetic predisposition to fat but I wonder how much of that is just predisposition to addiction...or anxiety or an unhealthy example and cycle of emotional eating. People always want to make excuses. Even I, who do have issues with my thyroid would try to blame all my fat on that....well I am hear to tell you that if you have used that excuse for obesity you need to stop now, pull your head from your ass, take one big look in the mirror and repeat after me...." I am my own worst enemy and I will no longer make excuses". A thyroid condition can definitely make you hold extra weight....weight can most definitely have a hormonal factor and as you read last week I am looking into that for myself but it doesn't hold enough to make you 100lbs overweight. It makes weight loss more difficult but it's not sitting there making you eat a greasy burger...that is your brain. I read a study on CNN.com the other day about the bodies biological response to food. It was amazing and for someone who is thin...emotional eating can probably help them relax on occasion but for someone who is obese it can kill you. That is not me embellishing...it really can take over your life and slowly but surely will put you in your grave. I don't know about you but I am claustrophobic and six feet under is something I would like to delay as long as possible. Even when family came over I would keep leftovers at my house instead of sending as much home with other people. I was not doing it to be selfish but I saw food and I wanted to horde it...like I was going to hibernate for the season. I would call myself a Mama Grizzly if I didn't dread having any more than my name and birthday in common with Sarah Palin.

I never realized until recently that this really had so much to do with being told not to eat...that I almost became possessive of food....leading me again to understand that it was just one more way for me to be in control of a situation. I am a total CONTROL FREAK. I have had so little control over my weight and my anxiety in the past that I held tight to anything I could control...even to the point of becoming resentful. Perhaps that just reminded me of my father who really was a good person tortured by his own demons. I just wish he would have known better than to project them onto me. I realize now that you can't control anyone but yourself. More importantly when you try to control others and situations you leave nothing for yourself...you lose yourself. I have been searching for myself so many many years and if anyone has been looking for me as well...I have been lost in a giant eclair...but don't fret..I am back!

If anyone is interested in reading the article on Emotional Eating please visit CNN.com and search " Study offers clues to Emotional Eating"

This Is The Face Of Fat!!

For the past week I have written nothing down. I skipped the Swagmaster and I could not make it to therapy because of a migraine. I can tell you that before this blog... on a week such as this I would have gained 3-4 lbs. Seriously...the picture above is one pound of fat. It's gross but when you think about losing even 2.5 of those you realize you have accomplished something and you really don't want to mess that up.

I also decided this past week that talking openly about my relationship with food has somehow made me less hungry...or was I ever? I have decided to take the advice of my therapist and when I do have a setback write down how I was feeling at the time....you know besides hungry. My guess is that I will find that I was bored, or lonely, or sad....all emotions that have better fixes than food.

Let's start with boredom. I could go for a walk...I do have two dogs who I am sure prefer to use the facilities outside rather than in my living room.. I could read...I have now received three book recommendations and am only half way through the Help on my ipad. I could play a board game with my son...heck that even has "bored" in the name. I could freaking jump around on one leg while chewing gum and playing a trumpet...point is that I don't eat.

On to the next...Lonliness. I am the first to admit that I am famous for having pity parties. I guess I think somehow because I am so awesome love should just come to me...apparently the Universe has other thoughts on the subject and at 33 I am single..very very single....and fat. Single and thin is different than single and fat. I know because I have been both. Single and thin is fun. You go out with no money....you come home full of drinks and with a few new numbers and most importantly great memories. When you are single and fat you leave with money...come home with none. ...at least that is what I used to think. I proved to myself last weekend that this is not the case. You see part of healing and losing is accepting where you are right now. I tend to change 19 times before leaving the house. I can't pack lightly because I never like how I look in clothes. The truth is that the second time you put that original outfit on...it will still look the same because you are who you are on the outside. I have been trying to stand in front of the mirror this week and remind myself that it's ok that I look like this because next week and the week after...I will look just a little different. It's a very long process and feeding into the emotional part of it...the denial makes it take longer. I can promise you that. I went to Baltimore a few weeks ago and my goal was to pack in one small bag. I limited myself to liking myself in whatever I had. Now I did by no means look like I wanted to and when I saw a guy that I once found myself mildly obsessed with I felt like I wanted to hide behind anything just so he wouldn't see that I look like I swallowed a hulla hoop. Chances are he noticed. It kind of is what it is. What I needed to focus and forced myself to focus on is that this person is my friend and realizes that I am awesome...really awesome. I am funny and smart and my smile can light up a room...those are the things that make you who you are....not what you look like and when you focus on those....you feel less inclined to eat. At least I do. I have had so many emotional obstacles this week. I can tell you all that this in many ways was one of the lowest points in my life and the worst I did was steal the Skinny Bitches Cake from the counter. You see I once again found myself surrounded by a bunch of 8th grade girls wearing toothfloss for shorts. They decided to make a cake...I decided to steal a piece. It happens and because I have been making good choices every day that cake means nothing....

Overeaters anonymous uses as do many other addiction programs the Serenity Prayer. Religious, Spiritual....whatever you are...these are words to live by. They make sense.

(Insert your own idol), Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the widsom to know the difference.

I suggest making a list..." Things I can't change" Below is mine..

Love can't be forced

My son is autistic

Florida is hot...really really hot

My father is dead...he will not come back and apologize

Things I can change....

My body fat percentage is 45.7% ...BARF

My right breast is soooo much smaller than the left!! lol

My son deserves to get any reasonable accomodation afforded him

My house being messy

The food I eat

Being a PHATTYCAKES!

My circumference measurments as promised are below in inches as of 7/20

Neck 15 inches

Chest 42.5 inches

Shoulders 42 inches

Waist 45 inches...

Hips 52 inches..

Biceps 12 inches

Thighs 24.5 inches

Calfs 16 inches

I will be measuring these monthly and updating you on how many inches have been lost. In so many ways this is more important than what you see on the scale but for me what I see on the scale is very unhealthy so I want to see both move :)

See you all tomorrow!

Cutting Deep

This week is hell week for me...actually probably for everyone who rubs me the wrong way too. This is the one week of the month every man fears and every woman hates because we want to eat all the things we should not. Aunt Flo is on the premises and she is itching for an ice cream Sunday and a big juicy burger..WITH THE BUN. It is generally the week that my previous diets have always failed but this week I am being very conscious of one thing....and that is my trip on Friday to Orlando with my son. We love all of the theme parks that Orlando has to offer and being that they are so close we go often but it is very difficult to find good food choices there...perhaps I should open my eyes more on those roller coasters and maybe I will spot a fruit stand...not likely :) Knowing I have a food conflict this weekend I have really tried to stay away from the crap but it's so so hard. Yesterday I had some pretzel chips to get me through...by some I mean probably three servings worth or about 330 calories. BOO :( These things will happen and luckily I have the Swagmaster, and when I can't get to the gym by XBox Kinect Zumba to help maintain balance and a healthy calorie deficit. While I was with Mr. Swag today at the gym I started telling him about how tough I was during child birth. That to me was my proudest moment and I wanted to feel all of it...in my mind the pain was temporary and this was my bodies biological purpose. I still believe that many women turn to pain medication because of fear....while some need it I did for myself prefer a more natural approach and hired a doula to help me and my then husband be a confident team in the delivery room. So today I made the correlation that if I could only get my mind to think of the gym in the same manner I would be golden. How is it that I can bear through twenty-one hours of labor and the latter of that with Pitocin and have no pain medication yet I cannot stop having nightmares about the front and lat raises he had me do Monday. I would almost consider hypnotherapy ....I find it so difficult and I know I can't be the only person who feels like there are things that are extremely painful that one can get through and others that just make you cower in fear...weights make me cower.
Maybe next time I will pretend that I am in labor and just start screaming " you bastard" " You did this to me" " I WANT ICE CHIPS....NOW!!!" It might work for me but my guess I would lose my gym privileges and my trainer rather quickly.
That being said I have felt for awhile like I needed an end goal...a bit of a challenge to motivate me...in the delivery room the end goal was being a mother...something I had wanted since I was a little girl playing with my dolls. Today that end goal is, and some may agree and others not, but that end goal is body sculpting...IE plastic surgery. Remember...this is my story and my journey and while things work for others I think the important thing to remember with any journey to rid yourself of addiction is that it's yours personally. You have to want it and you have to figure out what keeps you looking forward and not back at your demons. Now I am not saying I don't have every intention of working my ass off and continuing the hard journey but there are things that childbirth does to your body that are unforgiving...and there are things that overeating does that are even worse. These things...NOT SEXY. Me in a bathing suit....NOT SEXY but...still sexier than me naked...I want to look sexy when naked. I know I am not walking around the streets without clothes on but and listen up...I am not losing weight for those people on the street...I am losing it for me...or more specifically ME...naked in front of my mirror. One of the counselors at my son's camp today grabbed her back fat and said " I've got more rollbacks than Wal-Mart". That is exactly how I feel and half of them do not go away...no matter how hard I work...that flab of skin that I have on my lower stomach....it will not magically disappear. It's skin....it's like inflating a balloon and then watching it look all shriveled up and wondering what happened? Well you blew the damn thing up as far is it would go and then let all the air our you idiot! It can't go back to normal....well lucky for me while I might currently look like a balloon I am not actually a balloon, and eventually when the time comes I can pay someone to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Today in fact I went to see the person who will most likely be given that charge. Living in FL there are many low cost options for plastic surgery....but those are not options for me. I want the best because one I want to live and two... I want someone who refuses to compromise their professional integrity by completing a surgical procedure on someone who is not ready for that procedure. Along the way I will hopefully introduce you all to this person but for now...I will call him JP. I met JP for the first time today and definitely have to say it was more awkward than my first pap smear. To stand naked in front of a mirror while someone examines your mess of a body makes you feel like puking on their shoes just to distract them. During my consult I was asked about weight...about previous attempts and failures at losing and what I had for breakfast and what I usually have for lunch. At first I thought maybe he thought I ate his previous patient but then he told me about another MD in their office that practices Functional Medicine and this ladies and gentlemen is why I went to this office....and not to what I call a " fat mill". I want a partner in this process that treats the whole person. Now JP's recommendation was to remove some of the bulk...now or if I choose to wait until I have lost some additional weight. This was really about how I feel and if that will help keep me looking forward and not being complacent. He suggest I do this by having some liposuction initially. A 4-Liter lipo to be specific. Ten Pounds....gone! I have spent today thinking about this. There are two schools of thought...one that I am finding my stride in terms of exercise and abdominal lipo would put me out of that routine for a little while from the pain alone. and two that when you spend a small fortune to lose ten pounds you work harder to maintain it...that being said I will be waiting...just a bit but will be seeing his partner for some blood tests to determine if any hormonal issues or hidden food allergies exist. I want to know what is going on inside...I want to know about the biology of my fat I guess. Now I was the first one to admit that I am an emotional eater but family history and symptoms warrant looking deeper. He shared with me a book that I will be reading and updating you all on. Homework from the doctor!! He really recommended it for anyone who is overweight... The Book is called " Your Hidden Food Allergies Are Making You Fat". If you have read it please comment. I would love other opinions.
Part of this journey for me is healing from a lot of the pain that brings me to overeat....I don't feel like I can do that if I don't push myself to accomplish things on my own for now and admitting who I am and taking ownership of that....This blog is my Fatty Bible and those of you who are reading this will see the Sarah B.F. and Sarah A.F.....before and after FAT.

When your mind meets the mirror

If I passed any of my friends today and did not waive it is not because I am a bitch...it is because I as of about 3PM today cannot lift my arms above my head. This new statuesque nature is courtesy of The Swagmaster. People ...there are muscles burning in my back and shoulders I was not even aware of had. Luckily my fingers still work...NO not so I can give him the bird for making me look like the bride of Frankenstein as I walk the isles of the grocery store but to share again with you all how this Fattycakes will transform from Fat to Phat.
Aside from the lack of movement in my arms today was a very good day. First of all I am happy to report that I have lost 2.4 lbs since last week bringing me down to 216.4 officially. Go ahead get up and dance for me....no please do since I can't myself. If you have been following my food journal you know that I ate yummy foods and even had a few cheats in there but I still saw a loss because I made the best choices in each situation. I cut out part of the meal and that is huge. A friend today challenged that I choose this particular plan because it contains foods that I am comfortable with and not " diet foods" but I respectfully disagree. The thing is that I am not on a diet. I am on a journey to changing the way I look at food and the relationship that I have with it. This is a life change...NOT A DIET! Learning to make good choices for snacks and set appropriate portions is something to take me all the way to the bank...the fat bank that is. I plan to deposit for starters 20 lbs in that bank by the end of September. If I could do it before September 10th it would be even better as I am a bridesmaid in my dear friends wedding. Now I by no means want to outshine her but when we were discussing dresses I really imagined she and her sister who are both very thin and gorgeous just tying a string to me and floating me over the house as a marker for incoming guests. Just call me "Zeppelin". As if being a size 14/16 wasn't bad enough I had to order my bridesmaids dress in a size 20...and then to add insult to injury the woman called me three days later to tell me that that large of a size cost an additional $30. It's like a fat tax or something but again these people are getting rich off my big ass. My Fairy Godmother shared something with me today that was said to her when she was still heavy...someone told her that " It's not like people can't look at you and see that you weigh 215lbs". It's SO TRUE. When I began this blog last week none of the response was anyone saying...OMG I HAD NO IDEA...or stop it you are NOT heavy. That is because people saw me for what I AM....it was I who did not. You see when you are heavy there is often a wall of denial up. We talked a lot about denial today and about responsibility. I never looked in the mirror and really saw a Fattycakes until the day I posted my first blog here. I saw a girl who " had a few extra pounds". I definitely see the truth...because I refused to. The thing is....there will always even when I am thin and have conquered this demon be a fat girl inside trying to get out. As with any addiction you are forever an addict and I own that now but I finally can say that I am on my way to cut my addiction off at the legs...that is if a meatloaf sandwich and mashed potatoes had legs. It does not control me ...define me...and it will not kill me!!


I will leave you tonight with one of my favorite passages...one with an ending so fitting this journey...

Out of the Night that Covers me,

Black as the Pit from Pole to Pole,

I thank whatever gods may be,

for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud,

under the bludgeoning of chance,

my head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears,

looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,

how charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

Sunday's Food

Breakfast:

Half slice french toast
w/sugar free syrup

Arizona Iced Tea Half and Half Lite

Water

Diet coke

Snack:

6 Tortilla Chips with Salsa

Lunch:

JC Personal Pizza

Yogurt

Snack:

Fruit and Yogurt Parfait

Dinner:

1 4oz piece of boneless skinless jerk chicken Breast

Raosted Vegetables

Monday Workout:

22 minutes on the treadmill incline alternating between 2.5 and 6.0

18 minutes on the stationary bike level 10 Intervals for Fat Burning

30 minutes with the Swagmaster- see specific excercises below

Swag set a circuit up for me today consisting of 4 excercises that I had to complete immediately following the previous one...12 reps 3 sets

1.) Incline Pushup

2.) Dumbell punch ( boxing in the air with two 5 lb dumbells)

3.) front and lat raise ( OUCH) 5lbs each

4.) bent over row 35lbs

After this circuit was complete we finished up with abs

50lbs, 12 reps, 3 sets