Cutting Deep

This week is hell week for me...actually probably for everyone who rubs me the wrong way too. This is the one week of the month every man fears and every woman hates because we want to eat all the things we should not. Aunt Flo is on the premises and she is itching for an ice cream Sunday and a big juicy burger..WITH THE BUN. It is generally the week that my previous diets have always failed but this week I am being very conscious of one thing....and that is my trip on Friday to Orlando with my son. We love all of the theme parks that Orlando has to offer and being that they are so close we go often but it is very difficult to find good food choices there...perhaps I should open my eyes more on those roller coasters and maybe I will spot a fruit stand...not likely :) Knowing I have a food conflict this weekend I have really tried to stay away from the crap but it's so so hard. Yesterday I had some pretzel chips to get me through...by some I mean probably three servings worth or about 330 calories. BOO :( These things will happen and luckily I have the Swagmaster, and when I can't get to the gym by XBox Kinect Zumba to help maintain balance and a healthy calorie deficit. While I was with Mr. Swag today at the gym I started telling him about how tough I was during child birth. That to me was my proudest moment and I wanted to feel all of it...in my mind the pain was temporary and this was my bodies biological purpose. I still believe that many women turn to pain medication because of fear....while some need it I did for myself prefer a more natural approach and hired a doula to help me and my then husband be a confident team in the delivery room. So today I made the correlation that if I could only get my mind to think of the gym in the same manner I would be golden. How is it that I can bear through twenty-one hours of labor and the latter of that with Pitocin and have no pain medication yet I cannot stop having nightmares about the front and lat raises he had me do Monday. I would almost consider hypnotherapy ....I find it so difficult and I know I can't be the only person who feels like there are things that are extremely painful that one can get through and others that just make you cower in fear...weights make me cower.
Maybe next time I will pretend that I am in labor and just start screaming " you bastard" " You did this to me" " I WANT ICE CHIPS....NOW!!!" It might work for me but my guess I would lose my gym privileges and my trainer rather quickly.
That being said I have felt for awhile like I needed an end goal...a bit of a challenge to motivate me...in the delivery room the end goal was being a mother...something I had wanted since I was a little girl playing with my dolls. Today that end goal is, and some may agree and others not, but that end goal is body sculpting...IE plastic surgery. Remember...this is my story and my journey and while things work for others I think the important thing to remember with any journey to rid yourself of addiction is that it's yours personally. You have to want it and you have to figure out what keeps you looking forward and not back at your demons. Now I am not saying I don't have every intention of working my ass off and continuing the hard journey but there are things that childbirth does to your body that are unforgiving...and there are things that overeating does that are even worse. These things...NOT SEXY. Me in a bathing suit....NOT SEXY but...still sexier than me naked...I want to look sexy when naked. I know I am not walking around the streets without clothes on but and listen up...I am not losing weight for those people on the street...I am losing it for me...or more specifically ME...naked in front of my mirror. One of the counselors at my son's camp today grabbed her back fat and said " I've got more rollbacks than Wal-Mart". That is exactly how I feel and half of them do not go away...no matter how hard I work...that flab of skin that I have on my lower stomach....it will not magically disappear. It's skin....it's like inflating a balloon and then watching it look all shriveled up and wondering what happened? Well you blew the damn thing up as far is it would go and then let all the air our you idiot! It can't go back to normal....well lucky for me while I might currently look like a balloon I am not actually a balloon, and eventually when the time comes I can pay someone to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Today in fact I went to see the person who will most likely be given that charge. Living in FL there are many low cost options for plastic surgery....but those are not options for me. I want the best because one I want to live and two... I want someone who refuses to compromise their professional integrity by completing a surgical procedure on someone who is not ready for that procedure. Along the way I will hopefully introduce you all to this person but for now...I will call him JP. I met JP for the first time today and definitely have to say it was more awkward than my first pap smear. To stand naked in front of a mirror while someone examines your mess of a body makes you feel like puking on their shoes just to distract them. During my consult I was asked about weight...about previous attempts and failures at losing and what I had for breakfast and what I usually have for lunch. At first I thought maybe he thought I ate his previous patient but then he told me about another MD in their office that practices Functional Medicine and this ladies and gentlemen is why I went to this office....and not to what I call a " fat mill". I want a partner in this process that treats the whole person. Now JP's recommendation was to remove some of the bulk...now or if I choose to wait until I have lost some additional weight. This was really about how I feel and if that will help keep me looking forward and not being complacent. He suggest I do this by having some liposuction initially. A 4-Liter lipo to be specific. Ten Pounds....gone! I have spent today thinking about this. There are two schools of thought...one that I am finding my stride in terms of exercise and abdominal lipo would put me out of that routine for a little while from the pain alone. and two that when you spend a small fortune to lose ten pounds you work harder to maintain it...that being said I will be waiting...just a bit but will be seeing his partner for some blood tests to determine if any hormonal issues or hidden food allergies exist. I want to know what is going on inside...I want to know about the biology of my fat I guess. Now I was the first one to admit that I am an emotional eater but family history and symptoms warrant looking deeper. He shared with me a book that I will be reading and updating you all on. Homework from the doctor!! He really recommended it for anyone who is overweight... The Book is called " Your Hidden Food Allergies Are Making You Fat". If you have read it please comment. I would love other opinions.
Part of this journey for me is healing from a lot of the pain that brings me to overeat....I don't feel like I can do that if I don't push myself to accomplish things on my own for now and admitting who I am and taking ownership of that....This blog is my Fatty Bible and those of you who are reading this will see the Sarah B.F. and Sarah A.F.....before and after FAT.