The 3, 4, 5 Plan

Life for me is and probably will always be a rollercoaster. I am like I said, honest to a fault. This fault until recently never transcended to myself. While I do love rollercoasters, as I have mentioned before , the weight coaster is one I want to get off of, but to do so I realize I have to ride several other coasters and get off of those before I can land safe and sound on my skinny feet. I really thought the drama coaster would be the hardest to get off of for me. I am definitely a drama queen. I really think my parents had the right idea by putting me in acting classes as a child....unfortunately they didn't combine that great idea with the joys of fat camp and Kirstie Alley beat me to the punch on being a "Fat Actress". Surprisingly over the past couple of months this coaster slowed...not to a full stop but enough for me to jump ship. It's like my Fairy Godmother week by week sprinkled some magic fairy dust on me until I just realized that so much of the Angst I had felt about my life...about my fathers passing and about my relationship with both of my parents had turned to peace. PLease don't misunderstand. I am still sad about things but my anger and my projection of that into my life is barely visible anymore. I will always be a little dramatic but drama takes up time...and if you want to lose weight you can't waist time focusing on petty shit. Get off the Drama Coaster and move on over to the Hobby Coaster.
I always thought that it was all about diet and excercise but then it occured to me that when you are a stress eater you might want to have a plan. My Jenny Craig consultant likes to say.."Nobody Plans to Fail but you will fail without a plan". She obviously means this to correlate to my meal plan which I do highly recommend writing out. It takes the thinking out of things. In my case I needed a plan for my hands. You know those things at the end up your arms responsible for shoveling fat into your mouth. Find something to keeo them busy. Heck...use them to write comments on this blog or to recommend it to friends. Personally I crochet yarlmulkas and blankets for all my friends having babies. It makes me feel better about the fact that even when 8 months pregnant they are still thinner than me and it makes them know how much they are loved. Trust me....more satisfaction comes from that then eating a brownie.
The most difficult coaster for me is the motivation Coaster. I want to be thin but I have a really hard time staying motivated to excercise. One does not go without the other. A few weeks ago I tried crossfit. If you do this regularly, you are a super hero..probably a skinny one at that. I managed to get through the class only vomiting once and then spent the next 4.5 days trying to convince myself that one day I would be able to sit down on the toilette again without screaming out in pain as my legs buckle beneath me. Eventually I made it back to the gym for a spin class...and that has been it. Needless to say I am still riding this coaster....over and over. The goal this week will be to hit the gym 3 times....3 times for 3 weeks and then at week 4 I am going to move to 4 times for 4 weeks...and so on. I think you get the picture. I have a lot of excuses in my life right now. I am a single mom, I am in school full time....I have my hair to wash....anything can become and excuse. I'll be in touch on the progress of my goal....in the meantime...keep the faith.

I Once Was Lost But Now Am Found

So today I was thinking about fat while I was making eggs and wondering...why can't I just sit out in the 112 degree weather here in FL and melt my fat off...like the butter melting in the pan? I am tanorexic so that would really make like convenient for me. If anyone up there is reading...can you put in a request with the big guy? Thanks!

The goal today was to give you guys my current weeks weight but when I walked up to Jenny's house at 1:35 I realized they closed at 1:00. Sorry but you will have to hold tight until tomorrow's update to know if I have had more success.

Yesterday I tried to really think how far back I could recall my food obsession going. I want to really know how deep I will have to go to repair the damage and as much as I see progress I understand that I have to keep digging in order to make that change permanent. One of things that I recall is my dad always stealing my french fries...now while I understand that children can be pretty protective of those greasy potato sticks I was extreme. I would smack his hands...and cry and carry on. Granted he had the manners of someone the age I was at the time and never ever asked first but that one french fry should not have been that sacred to me. It was like I had a plate full of little potato fairy wands and he had just stolen one of my free wishes. I guess he needed a few free wishes to fill his own over sized belly. As I got older he would no longer steal my food as much as he would my thunder or my self-esteem but torturing me about the food I ate until eventually I just rebelled or binged in private. NOT HEALTHY Physically or mentally. I look at my paternal family and can count right away six people who struggle with weight...half of those are probably considered morbidly obese. I always hear people talk of genetic predisposition to fat but I wonder how much of that is just predisposition to addiction...or anxiety or an unhealthy example and cycle of emotional eating. People always want to make excuses. Even I, who do have issues with my thyroid would try to blame all my fat on that....well I am hear to tell you that if you have used that excuse for obesity you need to stop now, pull your head from your ass, take one big look in the mirror and repeat after me...." I am my own worst enemy and I will no longer make excuses". A thyroid condition can definitely make you hold extra weight....weight can most definitely have a hormonal factor and as you read last week I am looking into that for myself but it doesn't hold enough to make you 100lbs overweight. It makes weight loss more difficult but it's not sitting there making you eat a greasy burger...that is your brain. I read a study on CNN.com the other day about the bodies biological response to food. It was amazing and for someone who is thin...emotional eating can probably help them relax on occasion but for someone who is obese it can kill you. That is not me embellishing...it really can take over your life and slowly but surely will put you in your grave. I don't know about you but I am claustrophobic and six feet under is something I would like to delay as long as possible. Even when family came over I would keep leftovers at my house instead of sending as much home with other people. I was not doing it to be selfish but I saw food and I wanted to horde it...like I was going to hibernate for the season. I would call myself a Mama Grizzly if I didn't dread having any more than my name and birthday in common with Sarah Palin.

I never realized until recently that this really had so much to do with being told not to eat...that I almost became possessive of food....leading me again to understand that it was just one more way for me to be in control of a situation. I am a total CONTROL FREAK. I have had so little control over my weight and my anxiety in the past that I held tight to anything I could control...even to the point of becoming resentful. Perhaps that just reminded me of my father who really was a good person tortured by his own demons. I just wish he would have known better than to project them onto me. I realize now that you can't control anyone but yourself. More importantly when you try to control others and situations you leave nothing for yourself...you lose yourself. I have been searching for myself so many many years and if anyone has been looking for me as well...I have been lost in a giant eclair...but don't fret..I am back!

If anyone is interested in reading the article on Emotional Eating please visit CNN.com and search " Study offers clues to Emotional Eating"

I'll get by with a little help from my Friends

I believe that fat people fart more than skinny people. I can't prove this yet but damn it I will! This is what I thought about last night when contemplating working legs at the gym today. Just being honest...
I am if nothing else an honest person and my goal with this blog is full transparency. Some of you might think this is easy but for a Fattycakes this can be painful...it can mean admitting weakness and failures or what I now will only call setbacks..BUT I have always had a rather high pain threshold so here goes nothing...
Before I can really begin to detail my goals, my measurements, the food I eat, my activity log and workout regime ...OH and my Fattycake photo journal...there are a few superheroes I want to introduce you to. Their true identities though enormously awesome will be replaced with their "Phat Girl" names.
For starters there is my own personal chef...Jenny. As in Jenny Craig. Talk about someone who knows how difficult not eating has to be. The woman grew up in New Orleans for crying out loud. I would have looked like a Beignet...come to think of it ...I do. I am after all 5'3" and weigh 218 so while I have a shape...circle isn't exactly the shape I was going for. Back to Jenny...we have been friends for a couple of months now but I have kind of prioritized my other friends Wendy, Mac, and Pumpernickel ahead of her. I realize that these friendships are only bringing me down so I have decided to let Jenny take a bigger part in my life...plus I have to say she makes a mean triple chocolate cheesecake and I believe learning to make the right choices and setting appropriate portion sizes is a large part of a successful life change. As one of my friends at Jenny recently told me..." There is no such thing as Magic Food". So let's learn to eat the right non magical ones together.
Next there is my brand new personal trainer...whom I let choose his own alias. He chose "The Swagmaster". I can't comment on his naming skills which immediately drew criticism today at the gym from a bystander who believed the blood had just rushed to his head and he could not possibly have understood that correctly but I can tell you ladies that he is a very single and very tall glass of ....chocolate milk.While he is single I should warn you , however, that he is not only a fantastic trainer, whose abs one could bounce quarters off but he is also the grammar police. If you for instance were to write a run on sentence such as the one I previously did he would call you on it, or if you were to say things such as " I know you was tired" you would get the unfortunate grammar axe. Lucky for me I am looking for him to blast my fat and not teach me how to speak our nations language appropriately.
Last but not least there is the mental stabilizer in all of this, my " Fairy Godmother". Otherwise known as my licensed therapist whom I currently see weekly since the passing of my Dad on January4th, 2011. I started seeing my Fairy Godmother because after my fathers passing this princess's coach ( Lexus) turned into a Pumpkin ( Buick) and I realized that my entire life had been lived in a bubble. A bubble where unfortunately the tumultuous relationship that existed with my father drove me to eat. I could have picked up basket weaving or twister...or been on a Girls Gone Wild Tape to piss him off but no...I ate!!! My most recent theory besides me having control over what I ate is this...my father loved few things...one of them was food and perhaps subconsciously if I loved to eat as much crap as he did I would have something for us to talk about.
Well ladies and gentlemen that plan was an epic fucking fail....major backfire. I am fat and he is gone and I'm now searching for answers. My advice...talk to those you love no matter how uncomfortable it might be. Now my Fairy Godmother is pretty spectacular. I have given her this name because just like Cinderella ( which is what my mother calls me from time to time) it seems as though she was sent to me with purpose. She is honest and direct and pretty...and has UH-MAZING shoes. Basically she is a lot like me. :) She also< I found out later is also a skinny bitch who once was a Fattycakes. She herself lost an inspirational 100 lbs. If she reads this I hope she understands that I say this with the utmost respect...a term of endearment of sorts. Basically I learned with her that you can't bullshit the bullshitter. She gets it and won't allow me to make any excuses.
Oh I almost forgot to introduce you to the main character...ME. My name is Fattycakes and I look like a swallowed a small person. By my body shape I think somehow they are sideways and hanging out in my midsection. I weigh as another friend pointed out to me yesterday exactly 109 lbs more than another of our friends so I guess it's more believable when you put it in those terms. While I think losing my weight will be freeing I do not believe weight defines you...and when it does you know you have been fat too long. I am so much more.
I'm a daughter to a wonderful little lady....seriously..she is LITTLE! She can barely see over the steering wheel on her car but her heart is larger than life.
I am also the daughter of a deceased 100% disabled vet. I grew up overseas and while we rarely saw eye to eye...I am proud of my dad for his unwavering service to his country. Dad was also a Fattycake!
My most important title is Mommy Fattycake....or just Mommy. I have an incredible, smart, funny, witty, gorgeous son. I can tell you that for a stress eater like me this sure does throw a wrench into things. I think I ate my first full cheesecake the day he was diagnosed almost four years ago. Life is never boring with him around... He is my world and the best gift I have ever been given.
So this is me...the real slim shady...ok fine the real fat shady but take it or leave because the only thing here that will change is my weight.