I have always needed constant reassurance in relationships. For once because I am usually in a battle with the bulge and want to know that it isn't big enough yet that someone has noticed and two because I never got reassurance growing up from my father. For awhile I felt guilty saying that since he is no longer here to defend himself but my guess is that even if he were he probably would not have denied it...and I have witnesses! A lot of them. My dad not only struggled with weight as most of his family also did but he struggled with words. I wonder if when he got to heaven god sat him down with a speech coach and taught him how to communicate. I am really hoping so because I am going to see a psychic in a week who apparently has a gift of communicating with the dead and it would really suck if all my dad did was grunt.
Big Al had a gift for turning his own parental fears into little bombs of unnecessary disapproval. As a teenager he would torture me when I walked into the kitchen...eyeing everything I ate....as if wheat chex or original cheerios were going to somehow make me balloon. We didn't have junk in our house. Cereal didn't have sugar...bread didn't have white and milk had no fat. This was probably why when my mother would occasionally have a can of frosting in the house it would without fail go missing...I still maintain my innocence and do not know how all ten cans found their way under my bed along with a spoon. My grandmother once told me a story about hiding chocolate in a tree. As a mom I can tell you that my son does not hide food except for the one time he himself had a frosting incident. Hereditary? hmmm
I believe I hid food because my father made food taboo. He loved to eat but for some reason when I ate steam would come out of his ears and I would inevitably hear a story about how gorgeous and thin his sister was at my age and that if I ate something that wasn't a fruit or vegetable that when I was an adult I would struggle like her. Guess what? I think it was not having access to those foods that caused his revelation to come true. When I left home I had only a few rules...cereals had to contain sugar, bread could only be white and milk...well milk stayed fat free because anything else tastes like you are drinking lard. I rebelled with food. Hindsight is 20/20 and I do wish that I had been smarter with my choices but he really drove me straight to what he feared most....food also felt good. I could make those decisions on my own. It pacified me...still does. Even today when I am eating healthy and on a diet my anxiety level undoubtedly rises because in the past I didn't feel like I could eat a pizza and feel better. Well little did I know that Jenny Craig allows me to. I can still eat the foods I love and best of all lose weight.
Mondays are the Trifecta....I start at Jenny weighing in...then I head to my Fairy Godmother for a dose of reality and then after that it's off to see the Swagmaster and see if he can once again make me weak in the knees....from muscle exhaustion that is. I actually feel pretty good about tomorrow. I would be crushed if I didn't show any loss. I have been diligent this week...for most meals I stuck to the plan..a Jenny meal or the volumetric approach.I have eaten at restaurants but foregone the bun...and cut down portion sizes...I worked out three times..twice with my trainer and when I wake up in the morning I can feel my ribcage again damn it!!! That is a huge thing for me since my ribcage disappeared about six months ago without a trace. I think I even felt my hip bone peeking it's head around the corner.
While I am aware of the "Daddy Issues" that I have I also realized once my father passed that he was just scared....and that it would a tragedy if I allowed those fears to hold me back anymore. I am a grown woman and ultimately it is up to me to know right from wrong and healthy from unhealthy. Where I am right now in my life both inside and out...is unhealthy and I am fighting back...against my biggest demon of all ..food.
I realized that I did not include my food for Thu and I took Saturday off from the blog so below you will find a three day food diary....some good ...some bad ...but all real! I highly recommend writing everything you eat down. It makes you accountable and aware. You may not think about the grazing that you do as eating but those calories add up quickly. I also downloaded a Fast Food Calorie Counter...I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS APP!! I tried the free one first but it does not include the full array or restaurants. This is worth the.99 cents. You will be SHOCKED. In fact take a look at family favorite Chili's. I am surprised people don't drop dead from heart attacks at their tables....most of these places really. It's a really good resource to have while trying to make the healthiest possible decisions on the go. :)
Thursday
Breakfast:
JC Breakfast Stuffed Sandwich
Mango Greek Yogurt
Water :)
Snack:
6 croutons :(
Lunch:
2 egg salad
Spinach Salad w/ Light Balsamic
Dinner:
Chicken Ramen with extra water
Added Peppers,Carrots, green onion, white onion
Use half the seasoning packet for lower sodium and added a Thai red curry seasoning with low sodium for flavor. ( Even comfort food can be adjusted)
Movie Snack:
Diet Coke
Sno-Caps
Friday Food
I went to see Harry Potter premiere the night before so I woke up at noon and went directly to lunch.
Lunch :
JC Fried Chicken and Potatoes
Fruit and Yogurt Parfait
Dinner:
1 cup Mac N Cheese
Saturday
Brunch
Iced Tea
1/4 lb Burger
Swiss Cheese
Bacon :(
NO BUN NO FRIES
Dinner
Chipotle Salad
extra lettuce
half scoop rice
half scoop carnitas
2tbsp sour cream
black beans
tomatoes
corn
Three Vodka Lemonades :(
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