The 3, 4, 5 Plan

Life for me is and probably will always be a rollercoaster. I am like I said, honest to a fault. This fault until recently never transcended to myself. While I do love rollercoasters, as I have mentioned before , the weight coaster is one I want to get off of, but to do so I realize I have to ride several other coasters and get off of those before I can land safe and sound on my skinny feet. I really thought the drama coaster would be the hardest to get off of for me. I am definitely a drama queen. I really think my parents had the right idea by putting me in acting classes as a child....unfortunately they didn't combine that great idea with the joys of fat camp and Kirstie Alley beat me to the punch on being a "Fat Actress". Surprisingly over the past couple of months this coaster slowed...not to a full stop but enough for me to jump ship. It's like my Fairy Godmother week by week sprinkled some magic fairy dust on me until I just realized that so much of the Angst I had felt about my life...about my fathers passing and about my relationship with both of my parents had turned to peace. PLease don't misunderstand. I am still sad about things but my anger and my projection of that into my life is barely visible anymore. I will always be a little dramatic but drama takes up time...and if you want to lose weight you can't waist time focusing on petty shit. Get off the Drama Coaster and move on over to the Hobby Coaster.
I always thought that it was all about diet and excercise but then it occured to me that when you are a stress eater you might want to have a plan. My Jenny Craig consultant likes to say.."Nobody Plans to Fail but you will fail without a plan". She obviously means this to correlate to my meal plan which I do highly recommend writing out. It takes the thinking out of things. In my case I needed a plan for my hands. You know those things at the end up your arms responsible for shoveling fat into your mouth. Find something to keeo them busy. Heck...use them to write comments on this blog or to recommend it to friends. Personally I crochet yarlmulkas and blankets for all my friends having babies. It makes me feel better about the fact that even when 8 months pregnant they are still thinner than me and it makes them know how much they are loved. Trust me....more satisfaction comes from that then eating a brownie.
The most difficult coaster for me is the motivation Coaster. I want to be thin but I have a really hard time staying motivated to excercise. One does not go without the other. A few weeks ago I tried crossfit. If you do this regularly, you are a super hero..probably a skinny one at that. I managed to get through the class only vomiting once and then spent the next 4.5 days trying to convince myself that one day I would be able to sit down on the toilette again without screaming out in pain as my legs buckle beneath me. Eventually I made it back to the gym for a spin class...and that has been it. Needless to say I am still riding this coaster....over and over. The goal this week will be to hit the gym 3 times....3 times for 3 weeks and then at week 4 I am going to move to 4 times for 4 weeks...and so on. I think you get the picture. I have a lot of excuses in my life right now. I am a single mom, I am in school full time....I have my hair to wash....anything can become and excuse. I'll be in touch on the progress of my goal....in the meantime...keep the faith.

This Is The Face Of Fat!!

For the past week I have written nothing down. I skipped the Swagmaster and I could not make it to therapy because of a migraine. I can tell you that before this blog... on a week such as this I would have gained 3-4 lbs. Seriously...the picture above is one pound of fat. It's gross but when you think about losing even 2.5 of those you realize you have accomplished something and you really don't want to mess that up.

I also decided this past week that talking openly about my relationship with food has somehow made me less hungry...or was I ever? I have decided to take the advice of my therapist and when I do have a setback write down how I was feeling at the time....you know besides hungry. My guess is that I will find that I was bored, or lonely, or sad....all emotions that have better fixes than food.

Let's start with boredom. I could go for a walk...I do have two dogs who I am sure prefer to use the facilities outside rather than in my living room.. I could read...I have now received three book recommendations and am only half way through the Help on my ipad. I could play a board game with my son...heck that even has "bored" in the name. I could freaking jump around on one leg while chewing gum and playing a trumpet...point is that I don't eat.

On to the next...Lonliness. I am the first to admit that I am famous for having pity parties. I guess I think somehow because I am so awesome love should just come to me...apparently the Universe has other thoughts on the subject and at 33 I am single..very very single....and fat. Single and thin is different than single and fat. I know because I have been both. Single and thin is fun. You go out with no money....you come home full of drinks and with a few new numbers and most importantly great memories. When you are single and fat you leave with money...come home with none. ...at least that is what I used to think. I proved to myself last weekend that this is not the case. You see part of healing and losing is accepting where you are right now. I tend to change 19 times before leaving the house. I can't pack lightly because I never like how I look in clothes. The truth is that the second time you put that original outfit on...it will still look the same because you are who you are on the outside. I have been trying to stand in front of the mirror this week and remind myself that it's ok that I look like this because next week and the week after...I will look just a little different. It's a very long process and feeding into the emotional part of it...the denial makes it take longer. I can promise you that. I went to Baltimore a few weeks ago and my goal was to pack in one small bag. I limited myself to liking myself in whatever I had. Now I did by no means look like I wanted to and when I saw a guy that I once found myself mildly obsessed with I felt like I wanted to hide behind anything just so he wouldn't see that I look like I swallowed a hulla hoop. Chances are he noticed. It kind of is what it is. What I needed to focus and forced myself to focus on is that this person is my friend and realizes that I am awesome...really awesome. I am funny and smart and my smile can light up a room...those are the things that make you who you are....not what you look like and when you focus on those....you feel less inclined to eat. At least I do. I have had so many emotional obstacles this week. I can tell you all that this in many ways was one of the lowest points in my life and the worst I did was steal the Skinny Bitches Cake from the counter. You see I once again found myself surrounded by a bunch of 8th grade girls wearing toothfloss for shorts. They decided to make a cake...I decided to steal a piece. It happens and because I have been making good choices every day that cake means nothing....

Overeaters anonymous uses as do many other addiction programs the Serenity Prayer. Religious, Spiritual....whatever you are...these are words to live by. They make sense.

(Insert your own idol), Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the widsom to know the difference.

I suggest making a list..." Things I can't change" Below is mine..

Love can't be forced

My son is autistic

Florida is hot...really really hot

My father is dead...he will not come back and apologize

Things I can change....

My body fat percentage is 45.7% ...BARF

My right breast is soooo much smaller than the left!! lol

My son deserves to get any reasonable accomodation afforded him

My house being messy

The food I eat

Being a PHATTYCAKES!

My circumference measurments as promised are below in inches as of 7/20

Neck 15 inches

Chest 42.5 inches

Shoulders 42 inches

Waist 45 inches...

Hips 52 inches..

Biceps 12 inches

Thighs 24.5 inches

Calfs 16 inches

I will be measuring these monthly and updating you on how many inches have been lost. In so many ways this is more important than what you see on the scale but for me what I see on the scale is very unhealthy so I want to see both move :)

See you all tomorrow!

Cutting Deep

This week is hell week for me...actually probably for everyone who rubs me the wrong way too. This is the one week of the month every man fears and every woman hates because we want to eat all the things we should not. Aunt Flo is on the premises and she is itching for an ice cream Sunday and a big juicy burger..WITH THE BUN. It is generally the week that my previous diets have always failed but this week I am being very conscious of one thing....and that is my trip on Friday to Orlando with my son. We love all of the theme parks that Orlando has to offer and being that they are so close we go often but it is very difficult to find good food choices there...perhaps I should open my eyes more on those roller coasters and maybe I will spot a fruit stand...not likely :) Knowing I have a food conflict this weekend I have really tried to stay away from the crap but it's so so hard. Yesterday I had some pretzel chips to get me through...by some I mean probably three servings worth or about 330 calories. BOO :( These things will happen and luckily I have the Swagmaster, and when I can't get to the gym by XBox Kinect Zumba to help maintain balance and a healthy calorie deficit. While I was with Mr. Swag today at the gym I started telling him about how tough I was during child birth. That to me was my proudest moment and I wanted to feel all of it...in my mind the pain was temporary and this was my bodies biological purpose. I still believe that many women turn to pain medication because of fear....while some need it I did for myself prefer a more natural approach and hired a doula to help me and my then husband be a confident team in the delivery room. So today I made the correlation that if I could only get my mind to think of the gym in the same manner I would be golden. How is it that I can bear through twenty-one hours of labor and the latter of that with Pitocin and have no pain medication yet I cannot stop having nightmares about the front and lat raises he had me do Monday. I would almost consider hypnotherapy ....I find it so difficult and I know I can't be the only person who feels like there are things that are extremely painful that one can get through and others that just make you cower in fear...weights make me cower.
Maybe next time I will pretend that I am in labor and just start screaming " you bastard" " You did this to me" " I WANT ICE CHIPS....NOW!!!" It might work for me but my guess I would lose my gym privileges and my trainer rather quickly.
That being said I have felt for awhile like I needed an end goal...a bit of a challenge to motivate me...in the delivery room the end goal was being a mother...something I had wanted since I was a little girl playing with my dolls. Today that end goal is, and some may agree and others not, but that end goal is body sculpting...IE plastic surgery. Remember...this is my story and my journey and while things work for others I think the important thing to remember with any journey to rid yourself of addiction is that it's yours personally. You have to want it and you have to figure out what keeps you looking forward and not back at your demons. Now I am not saying I don't have every intention of working my ass off and continuing the hard journey but there are things that childbirth does to your body that are unforgiving...and there are things that overeating does that are even worse. These things...NOT SEXY. Me in a bathing suit....NOT SEXY but...still sexier than me naked...I want to look sexy when naked. I know I am not walking around the streets without clothes on but and listen up...I am not losing weight for those people on the street...I am losing it for me...or more specifically ME...naked in front of my mirror. One of the counselors at my son's camp today grabbed her back fat and said " I've got more rollbacks than Wal-Mart". That is exactly how I feel and half of them do not go away...no matter how hard I work...that flab of skin that I have on my lower stomach....it will not magically disappear. It's skin....it's like inflating a balloon and then watching it look all shriveled up and wondering what happened? Well you blew the damn thing up as far is it would go and then let all the air our you idiot! It can't go back to normal....well lucky for me while I might currently look like a balloon I am not actually a balloon, and eventually when the time comes I can pay someone to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Today in fact I went to see the person who will most likely be given that charge. Living in FL there are many low cost options for plastic surgery....but those are not options for me. I want the best because one I want to live and two... I want someone who refuses to compromise their professional integrity by completing a surgical procedure on someone who is not ready for that procedure. Along the way I will hopefully introduce you all to this person but for now...I will call him JP. I met JP for the first time today and definitely have to say it was more awkward than my first pap smear. To stand naked in front of a mirror while someone examines your mess of a body makes you feel like puking on their shoes just to distract them. During my consult I was asked about weight...about previous attempts and failures at losing and what I had for breakfast and what I usually have for lunch. At first I thought maybe he thought I ate his previous patient but then he told me about another MD in their office that practices Functional Medicine and this ladies and gentlemen is why I went to this office....and not to what I call a " fat mill". I want a partner in this process that treats the whole person. Now JP's recommendation was to remove some of the bulk...now or if I choose to wait until I have lost some additional weight. This was really about how I feel and if that will help keep me looking forward and not being complacent. He suggest I do this by having some liposuction initially. A 4-Liter lipo to be specific. Ten Pounds....gone! I have spent today thinking about this. There are two schools of thought...one that I am finding my stride in terms of exercise and abdominal lipo would put me out of that routine for a little while from the pain alone. and two that when you spend a small fortune to lose ten pounds you work harder to maintain it...that being said I will be waiting...just a bit but will be seeing his partner for some blood tests to determine if any hormonal issues or hidden food allergies exist. I want to know what is going on inside...I want to know about the biology of my fat I guess. Now I was the first one to admit that I am an emotional eater but family history and symptoms warrant looking deeper. He shared with me a book that I will be reading and updating you all on. Homework from the doctor!! He really recommended it for anyone who is overweight... The Book is called " Your Hidden Food Allergies Are Making You Fat". If you have read it please comment. I would love other opinions.
Part of this journey for me is healing from a lot of the pain that brings me to overeat....I don't feel like I can do that if I don't push myself to accomplish things on my own for now and admitting who I am and taking ownership of that....This blog is my Fatty Bible and those of you who are reading this will see the Sarah B.F. and Sarah A.F.....before and after FAT.

I'll get by with a little help from my Friends

I believe that fat people fart more than skinny people. I can't prove this yet but damn it I will! This is what I thought about last night when contemplating working legs at the gym today. Just being honest...
I am if nothing else an honest person and my goal with this blog is full transparency. Some of you might think this is easy but for a Fattycakes this can be painful...it can mean admitting weakness and failures or what I now will only call setbacks..BUT I have always had a rather high pain threshold so here goes nothing...
Before I can really begin to detail my goals, my measurements, the food I eat, my activity log and workout regime ...OH and my Fattycake photo journal...there are a few superheroes I want to introduce you to. Their true identities though enormously awesome will be replaced with their "Phat Girl" names.
For starters there is my own personal chef...Jenny. As in Jenny Craig. Talk about someone who knows how difficult not eating has to be. The woman grew up in New Orleans for crying out loud. I would have looked like a Beignet...come to think of it ...I do. I am after all 5'3" and weigh 218 so while I have a shape...circle isn't exactly the shape I was going for. Back to Jenny...we have been friends for a couple of months now but I have kind of prioritized my other friends Wendy, Mac, and Pumpernickel ahead of her. I realize that these friendships are only bringing me down so I have decided to let Jenny take a bigger part in my life...plus I have to say she makes a mean triple chocolate cheesecake and I believe learning to make the right choices and setting appropriate portion sizes is a large part of a successful life change. As one of my friends at Jenny recently told me..." There is no such thing as Magic Food". So let's learn to eat the right non magical ones together.
Next there is my brand new personal trainer...whom I let choose his own alias. He chose "The Swagmaster". I can't comment on his naming skills which immediately drew criticism today at the gym from a bystander who believed the blood had just rushed to his head and he could not possibly have understood that correctly but I can tell you ladies that he is a very single and very tall glass of ....chocolate milk.While he is single I should warn you , however, that he is not only a fantastic trainer, whose abs one could bounce quarters off but he is also the grammar police. If you for instance were to write a run on sentence such as the one I previously did he would call you on it, or if you were to say things such as " I know you was tired" you would get the unfortunate grammar axe. Lucky for me I am looking for him to blast my fat and not teach me how to speak our nations language appropriately.
Last but not least there is the mental stabilizer in all of this, my " Fairy Godmother". Otherwise known as my licensed therapist whom I currently see weekly since the passing of my Dad on January4th, 2011. I started seeing my Fairy Godmother because after my fathers passing this princess's coach ( Lexus) turned into a Pumpkin ( Buick) and I realized that my entire life had been lived in a bubble. A bubble where unfortunately the tumultuous relationship that existed with my father drove me to eat. I could have picked up basket weaving or twister...or been on a Girls Gone Wild Tape to piss him off but no...I ate!!! My most recent theory besides me having control over what I ate is this...my father loved few things...one of them was food and perhaps subconsciously if I loved to eat as much crap as he did I would have something for us to talk about.
Well ladies and gentlemen that plan was an epic fucking fail....major backfire. I am fat and he is gone and I'm now searching for answers. My advice...talk to those you love no matter how uncomfortable it might be. Now my Fairy Godmother is pretty spectacular. I have given her this name because just like Cinderella ( which is what my mother calls me from time to time) it seems as though she was sent to me with purpose. She is honest and direct and pretty...and has UH-MAZING shoes. Basically she is a lot like me. :) She also< I found out later is also a skinny bitch who once was a Fattycakes. She herself lost an inspirational 100 lbs. If she reads this I hope she understands that I say this with the utmost respect...a term of endearment of sorts. Basically I learned with her that you can't bullshit the bullshitter. She gets it and won't allow me to make any excuses.
Oh I almost forgot to introduce you to the main character...ME. My name is Fattycakes and I look like a swallowed a small person. By my body shape I think somehow they are sideways and hanging out in my midsection. I weigh as another friend pointed out to me yesterday exactly 109 lbs more than another of our friends so I guess it's more believable when you put it in those terms. While I think losing my weight will be freeing I do not believe weight defines you...and when it does you know you have been fat too long. I am so much more.
I'm a daughter to a wonderful little lady....seriously..she is LITTLE! She can barely see over the steering wheel on her car but her heart is larger than life.
I am also the daughter of a deceased 100% disabled vet. I grew up overseas and while we rarely saw eye to eye...I am proud of my dad for his unwavering service to his country. Dad was also a Fattycake!
My most important title is Mommy Fattycake....or just Mommy. I have an incredible, smart, funny, witty, gorgeous son. I can tell you that for a stress eater like me this sure does throw a wrench into things. I think I ate my first full cheesecake the day he was diagnosed almost four years ago. Life is never boring with him around... He is my world and the best gift I have ever been given.
So this is me...the real slim shady...ok fine the real fat shady but take it or leave because the only thing here that will change is my weight.